sometimes i feel truly alone. i guess that statement is becoming more and more obvious because i’m turning to my fucking blog to express myself. but it’s true. i feel like i can’t tell anything to anyone. there’s is no one for me to confide in without being judged or making them mad. i can’t stop messing up. no matter what i do or say. i just can’t stop. my mind is constantly running circles. i feel like i’m throwing away everything me and andres have had these past 2 years and i just can’t stop and it’s killing me. sometimes i wish i’d die in my sleep. i know thats horrible to say but i think about it alot. all i do is cause trouble no matter how hard i try. i just feel like shutting everyone out sometimes. even the person who means the world to me. i feel like i’m fucking his life up. everything i do or say is wrong and i try so hard not to be. i don’t know how to fix myself. i just wish someone would listen.

god i haven’t wrote on this thing in forever. maybe i should. writing helps me get things out, it’s sometimes the only thing i can turn to to say what i’m truly feeling without making anyone mad. i don’t tell people how i really feel much, it’s easier to keep it in and get walked all over on then to try and make someone listen. anytime i try to express myself all i do is end up making people mad anyway.

i feel alone. and stupid. i didn’t expect to come home from a long day of work and spend 4 hours sitting here by myself while he’s out hanging out being mr. popular. as much as i do for him, he can’t even have the respect for me to know that i have to be up early. i can’t go to sleep without knowing where he is. i worry too much and he thinks it’s just for selfish reasons. i was looking so forward to seeing him i just want to laugh at myself. i can just about feel a sting on my face where i should have been slapped. sometimes i’m such an idiot. i don’t mean shit to him in this chapter of his life. i better get used to it.

i don’t usually write blogs. i guess this is more for myself then anything. it’s almost christmas, my all time favortie time of the year, i should be happy right? no. i know i’m a very lucky girl, i have an awesome boyfriend, he’s my best friend. hes everything i’ve ever wanted and i couldn’t ask for more. thats why i’m so troubled. sometimes i feel like i take so much hurt from him. i know he doesn’t do it on purpose. at least i don’t think he does. sometimes i feel as tho everyting i do for him is wrong. whatever i say, whatever i txt, just even looking at him wrong makes him angry at me. i don’t understand why. i’d give him the world if he needed it. it’s just his attitude. i know i shouldnt be treated this way and i don’t think he realizes how much its starting to hurt me. i don’t want to be one of those women i always said i wouldnt be. i’m not going to let a man make me feel like shit. but i know i can’t leave him. im so hurt because i love him so much. i don’t know what to do.

I don’t know if I could make it without you. I hope that day never comes.